So... Where have I been?

I am sitting here staring at my screen just wondering where to begin.  In my head, there screams this voice that says, "You have let all of your readers down." But the reality is that I have not let anyone down (I will come back to this). People just tell me they miss reading my blog. So, here it goes. I might do a series of posts of what has been going on in my life, but I want to talk about the biggest one. 

It is not something I begin to share easily but the more I talk about it, the more other people have shared their stories. A little less than two years ago, I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Oh god, my hands are shaking just writing this out.

What does this mean? For each person who suffers from OCD, it is a little different. It is less about the compulsive side of it (for me) and more about the obsessive part of it. The most significant part of my OCD is what is referred to as automatic negative thoughts (ANTs for short). When I am introduced to a stressful situation or something causes an emotional response, these ANTs jump to the worst possible conclusion. I then, obsess on these thoughts, much like a record skips. This is the most harmful part of my OCD because it causes my anxiety to skyrocket. As someone who already suffers from anxiety, the ANTs do not help.

For the past six months, I have been working with my primary care physician to learn about what medication I can take. Also for the past two years, I have been working with a counselor to suggest what habits I can change in order to help me cope with this. I'm heading towards a good place now.  It has been rather dark and dim lately though, but I am getting better. I recently switched up my medications and have seen a dynamic decrease in my "obsessive" area. I don't have to sit and watch five episodes of television show in one sitting and I don't talk incessantly about the most random stuff that only I find interesting... Just so strange how things manifest themselves.

So, remember how I said that there is a voice in my head that says "You have let all of your readers down"? That's an ANT. The compulsion part of my OCD is definitely in the way that I react to these ANTs, mostly in anger. And to be honest, I am still trying to figure that part out. I think once I am able to pinpoint my compulsions I will be able to understand what environmental factors are triggers.

Can I just say, it was such a relief to be told that I had OCD? Really! I have always felt strange, weird and just different from other people. I would watch other people react to things and think about how I would react... and it just wasn't normal. Being able to label something gives it less power over you.

Part of managing the ANTs is to remind yourself of truth.  My counselor said, "Thoughts are just thoughts, they are not facts." Anytime one of those ANTs pipes up and says something negative, I get to think about what is true, "I am loved. I am strong. I am awesome."


If you have any questions about OCD, or if you have OCD, or suffer from any kind of depression or anxiety and need someone to talk to, feel free to e-mail me or leave me a comment down below. It can be pretty lonely out there, and everyone needs someone. If you think you are suffering from a mentall illness but have not been diagnosed, I highly encourage you to talk to your doctor.  They will help you come up with a plan and also be able to conduct the right kinds of tests to properly diagnose you.

A post about snack crackers

Thank you all for your comments and for seriously making me laugh... hard.  So here it is a post about cheez-its... Not really, its just a picture.  There's not much to say but that they are delicious! They go great dropped into creamy tomato soup.

I think I'd be able to enjoy life the holidays more if I wasn't so damn broke.  I have money for presents but this chick is eating crackers and soup for lunch... and have done this three days out of the five, and then three nights out of the five for dinner.  I'm not so broke I need money, its just eating weird stuff for dinner so you don't have to go to the grocery store.  Putting $5 of gas in your car to get you towards payday.  Basically all the normal things that normal people are doing because the economy sucks so much and so we can all pay off our student loans.

In theory, my whole year of no shopping was supposed to be the year I also paid off my credit cards.  Instead it was more like "the year I went out to eat way too much and then none of my pants fit".  And then simultaneously had giant disasters happen.  Not only was I not able to buy clothes to replace said pants, but I had a fancy little pizza pooch (what if it had glitter on it and that is what made it fancy... I just shuddered thinking about that).  I did get one card paid off, but it is now teetering back at its limit.  *le sigh  Fact: I have two credit cards teetering at their limits. Oh... joy.

But I noticed something.  When a bill is automatically coming out of my checking account each month, I budget for it.  Seems simple right?  It is like I tricked myself, but in a good way.  So, let's see if this method will work.  I am going to currently pay $100 a month on my discover bill ($60 over the minimum).  Oh wait... I have to trick myself.  So the reality is that my discover card minimum is $100 a month... not $40 (but it really is $40) and it comes out of my checking account on the 16th.

Just call me the sneaky budgetteer, like a musketeer or a bucaneer but without a sword.

One reason why I'm feeling the pinch of the penny is because I got some shoes repaired.  My gold flats and my vintage woven loafers.  Both shoes I wear a lot, so getting them repaired seems logical.  But it was $45 to replace the soles on my gold flats and then $20 for them to mend my other pair...  I have got to get at least five more years of wear out of both of those shoes.  Which I will, right?  Sure.  Do you get shoes repaired or do you typically just replace them? Thoughts?

Anyone else out there broke this Christmas?

PS- I totally just blogged about cheez-its AND soup.

Top 5 Things to do When You Haven't Been Blogging

I have clearly been incredibly absent the last few weeks.  I could give all the common excuses, that its hot but really its just hot and I've been lazy, wanting to grab a few more minutes of sleep instead of taking pictures.  So here is what I've been up to in pictures that are not from me because I keep forgetting to take pictures (must get better at pictures!)

1. Canoeing

This weekend I went canoeing with friends.  I also got incredibly sunburned!  This skin hasn't seen sun (actually been burned) in about 2 years.  I'm such a good little fair skinned lady, always wearing the sunscreen.  Well, except for this time.  If someone can please explain to me how my left hip got sunburned, I'd really appreciate it.  I don't get it.

2.  Camping

Okay I lied.  I did take some pictures.  Sam and I went camping at Rock Island State Park.  There are so many places to hike and find stuff like this, a gorgeous waterfall of ice cold spring water.  There is a river that has tons of swimming holes filled with ice cold spring water.  An old mill across the street from an old spring full of ice cold spring water.  Did I mention that the water was ice cold?  Oh, I did okay.

3. Sweating

I'm such a Texas girl.  I love summer.  I love warm nights.  I love the humidity (sometimes).  I love how the heat hits you like a wall when you walk outside... It is hot in Nashville.  Texas hot.

4.  Blowing up sparkly things

I am very thankful for the rockets red glare, and the American flag.  Yes, I get it.  Most people in other countries hate America and the fact that I'm from Texas doesn't make it any better because most Americans that are not Texans, think Texans are obnoxious (Texas Forever!).  I love fireworks.  I love all the cool ground ones the most.  I also really love to light smoke bombs and then run through the smoke.  I pretend to be a super villain.  Did you also know I'm a huge dork?

5.  Working

If I have been working, then why am I also putting up a clip of Parks and Recreation?  Well, despite the fact that I work in a cubicle... I think my work place environment is most like the Pawnee Parks Department.  The team of people I work with are really funny, AND our department loves to throw a good party.  I also don't know if working is typically a top 5 thing to do when you haven't been blogging, but it does take up a lot of my time.

I'll be getting around to prancing in my back yard, taking pictures of myself twirling and what not soon.  Perhaps I'll take pictures of Sam and I drinking beer or grilling.  For now, I'm going to go get some chocolate pudding.

All images via weheartit.com

Just Where Have You Been Young Lady?

 

It is safe to say, I have been doing far less mischevious things than this little girl above.  Didn't you love playing on the roof as a kid?  When I was a kid, I loved being up in the air.  I loved climbing on to the roof, and jumping down from about 12 feet.  I loved jumping on trampolines and tumbling.  I loved dangling from the uneven bars in gymnastics, just swinging back and forth, as high as I could go.  Knowing that you really only have so much control is a delicious freedom.  In yoga, I often tell myself, "You only have about 30% control over what your body will do, the other 70% is the balls to do it."  Sometimes, I fall flat on my face, and other times I fall upside down into a handstand.  Either way, I tried, and that is freedom.

I have made a million excuses to why I haven't blogged.  Yes, I have been incredibly busy.  No, I haven't really enjoyed blogging lately.  Cicadas scare the crap out of me and every time I step outside they try to land on me so I'm not going to pose for them.  My roots are showing.  Why yes, I have been waking up 30 minutes late (oops).  Do you really want to see what I wear to work everyday?  But... I can't wear shorts and thigh highs, or dresses with back cut outs or sheer shirts that show my bra.  And aren't you tired of seeing me wear stripes? (NEVER!!!!)

One thing is though, I've been fighting my niche.  I am a twenty-something professional, working an 8 to 5 job, dressing business casual, wearing black frequently, and always erring on the side of conservative.  I sit at a desk, in a cube, make jokes by the water cooler, and park in a parking garage.  I take an elevator to our offices, I bring PB&J, and I love working in excel.  I have actually contemplated doing a post on my top 5 favorite excel functions... I'm serious.  

Alyson will return tomorrow.  For today, she's going to take a nap before making her dinner.

Time Away

 

I'm still alive. A few things:

Can someone bring me some peonies?  Please?  I may also settle for some graham crackers.

I'm home sick today.  I started getting a sore throat related to allergies on Saturday evening, and its only gotten worse.  Staying home to rest, not talk, and drink the hottest tea I can stand.

When did Nashville become Portland, OR?  It has been raining since Sunday, and we only had about two days of not rain.  This type of weather not only makes previously said allergies go haywire, but also my skin and my hair.  Things aren't pretty over here.

Oh, and I'm sick of my closet.  I know it will pass, and I just have to wash and dryel my stuff from Goodwill this weekend and I will have a sunnier disposition about life, but I'm ready for 80 degrees all the time.  This has probably been the biggest cause to my hiatus recently.

Can you guys tell me some funny stories?  That will hopefully make me not being able to speak worth it.

Image via weheartit

Sweet Moments

 

Lately, I have been learning to treasure the sweet moments.  Those tiny capsules of time where the unexpected happen, those great conversations come out, laughter, and most of all love.  This photoshoot was such a sweet moment with Sam.  I just asked him if he minded taking picture of me really quick as it was freezing cold outside.  However, what came out were some fantastic pictures, all because there was a person behind the camera.  

There is a lot of changing that has been going on in my life and around me.  It is good to be reminded of the sweetness of life.  That it has an ebb and flow, and to treasure the time I spend.  Monday night, a sweet moment happened.  A terrible storm blew through Nashville on Monday, torrential rains, damaging winds.... a lot of people were without power.  It was my friend Katherine's birthday and she invited us to go eat Korean food.  The shops along the street were completely dark, every block, except the one we needed.  However, towards the end of our meal, the power went out and we had to finish in the dark.  It was great though!  We all ate by candle light, just sharing stories and laughing.  

I am thankful for life lived together well, and my hope is to love well too.

Dress: Lands' End Canvas
Tights: Navy, We Love Colors
Boots: Anthropologie

I've Been Lacking Soul

Our lives are filled with things we can barely remember how we existed and functioned before we had it.  Whether its an iphone, or the internet in general, or sporks, our lives are dramatically different from when we first started.  For years, I have struggled with feeling peace.  Growing up, I constantly felt out of place in a small town.  In college, I never felt a peace about my educational choice or about who I was.  After college, I struggled on a daily basis to grasp onto peace.  In my head, peace is a tiny place where things just feel right.  Things fall into place, and you can smile and laugh with freedom.

I first searched for peace through religion.  I thought peace would come through going to church, saying the right things, singing the right songs, and that these things would lead me to peace.  However, I ended up being petrified to allow my real self to shine because I didn't fit this picture I had in my head of the perfect Christian.  (By the way, yes, I am a Christian, but I prefer to talk about this on a more personal level than on my blog since this blog is about fashion, style, and life).  I was ashamed of who I was and completely over-ridden by guilt.  I was also incredibly judgemental and closed-minded.  I slowly abandoned "religion" or what I knew of it.  I wanted authenticity and learned that I could be me.  And that being me, the real me, shit on the walls and all better reflected God to others than any amount of theology book I could have read.

I began to abandon my search for peace.  Sometime close to a year ago, I gave up on finding peace and decided I would just wallow in the fact that I couldn't shop or that I was working somewhere that I felt so out of place and different.  A common theme in my life is that I just feel different from other people.  I am painfully introverted and I over-share in order to appear more out-going than I am.  I go through days when I don't feel good enough, smart enough.  My dear friend Juli calls this the bastard-self.  Its that voice in your head that pokes and prods you making you feel like shit, and making you cry.  However, as I started to share my life with people, and let people in (this definitely includes anyone who reads my blog), the bastard-self didn't have a lot to poke with.  That was until recently.

I have not been sharing a lot.  I have been holding a lot in and not expressing my emotions here.  I haven't been writing in a way that makes me feel raw and happy.  I comment about something I'm wearing, talk about the weather... and its mediocre.  It is boring.  And let me tell you, this lady is not mediocre or boring.  There is something that has allowed me to pause, reflect and take inventory.  I've been able to sort things and organize them so that I can find peace.  And this has been working out.  I do a lot of praying when I'm working out.  A lot of it involves swear words, and maybe some bargaining involving me giving up ice cream (or Mexican food) if I can just lift my arms over my head one more time.  But nothing gets my blood flowing like yoga.  I go to a yoga class once a week through my gym at work.  It is one of those moments where I can meditate.  Where I am encouraged to think without words, but to really be able to drink in my thoughts.  God definitely shows up.  Today, we were prepping for backbends (because our class is rabid for them) and as we inched closer and closer to the moment we exploded up into a back bend, I got incredibly giddy.  When we laid down on our backs on the mat, I just started laughing.  But I wasn't the only one.  I laughed a deep belly laugh, full of excitement, joy, and peace.  Even though my shoulder muscles are sore from being pushed to their limit, I found a little touch of peace.

I'm discovering peace and what it means to me in a way that is concrete.  I don't like hypotheticals or lofty goals and ideas.  I am all about practicality and how things can easily be adapted to life.  I'm at peace with my body.  I'm at peace with my finances (well, kind of haha).  I'm at peace with my wardrobe (sometimes).  I'm at peace with my relationships and friendships.  I'm at peace with everything that happened last year.  I'm excited for what finding peace means.  I don't think it will be this sudden light, but more like a gradual illumination.  I don't know how I functioned without peace, but I do know that it isn't hard to find it just in case I lose it again.

Shedding Some Years

Well maybe not so much years, but shedding some of the past few months.  After my first two days of working at my new job, I realize it is time to shed these past few months that have been nothing but hell.  However, I wouldn't take them back for anything.  Just a lot of growth and a lot of growing up.  I can definitely say, I no longer feel like a child.  I definitely feel like an adult after having to deal with so much.  I will not let the actions of others (and nature) be an excuse for me to become angry, bitter, or sad. 

So I got my hair cut!  Not too drastically different... just enough to feel new.  I'll have pictures posted tomorrow!

Sweater: Delias
Dress: American Eagle
Necklace: Shop Idee's Closet
Knee Socks: We Love Colors
Boots: Anthropologie

Fashion Tip Friday: How to make your pants fit

Yesterday on the twitters, WhoWhatWear asked what are your weird clothing quirks.  I have a confession to make ladies... and I am not proud, really NOT PROUD.  Besides two pairs of jeans, none of my pants fit me.  Blame it on the mexican food and beer.  Blame it on my straight waisted body...  or let's get real... blame it on the fact that I have not been working out as I should...  In order for me to find pants that fit my hips, I often end up with pants that are too tight in the waist.  I'm not the only one who has this problem.  Oh and yes I have gained weight and I haven't been shopping in a year...  that too.

(FYI - that's not me...)

So how am I "making it work"?  The rubber band trick.

Mostly used by pregnant women to keep their pants snug against their growing preggo bellies... I have been using this trick a lot lately.  Now, here's how.

1.  Put on your pants but don't zip them quite yet.
2.  Put your rubber band through the button hole.
3.  Wrap both ends around the button.
4.  Zip up your pants as high as it will go
5.  Lay the zipper pull down flat (this kind of locks it in place believe it or not)
6.  Wear a longer shirt that covers that whole area.

Perfect!  Now go eat that cheese enchilada this weekend.

And yes, I know I know... where are my outfits this week?  I have not had time to catch some good lighting after work and no time before work.  FYI, I park a good 8 miles from my office and ride a shuttle...  It takes a while, and this week has been crazy, and rainy too.  I'm hoping to revamp my posting schedule to give me a little more leeway and then also still give some great content too.

I want vs. I need

As my year of no shopping begins to draw to a close I have really been contemplating needs versus wants.  The past six months of my life have been nothing but stripping me from my wants and putting me into my basic needs.  Things that I thought were needs, were really just wants dressed up as needs, but when the layers were removed... all I had was a bunch of things that in the end weren't that important in the first place.  My story of this transformation goes back further than just the flood.  The flood was a catalyst to losing a lot of crutches I was holding on to too tightly.  I did not need to get all my debt paid off as soon as possible.  I wanted to pay off all my debt as soon as possible, I instead needed money to cover the expenses of moving, holding my things in storage, and covering my food costs.*  I did not need to live in a charming house in Sylvan Park, I wanted to live in a great neighborhood in my perfectly painted room, but I needed a place to live that was touched by the flood waters.  I did not need to blog to show off how cute I was dressing and how I was holding it all together despite dire circumstances, I wanted to (by the way I wasn't holding it all together)... but I needed to feel loved, cared for, and supported by my friends, family and complete strangers.  I didn't need a job that payed exceptionally well, I wanted one... but instead I need to make enough money to pay off my bills and even if I didn't, I saw the provision of my friends and family pour in, when my measly income barely met my most basic of needs.

The phrase "I need" is often used while shopping and in fashion.  A few examples are:

"I need a good pair of skinny jeans."
"I need to lose this little poochie tummy."
"I need a dress for my birthday party."
"I need some new pairs of tights, all of mine are drab."

All of these phrases have come out of my mouth at least once this week, if not more.  If you go back and read on my blog, you will find these phrases sprinkled throughout.  I am so guilty of using the phrase I need over and over again when these phrases are more properly expressed by saying "I want."

"I want a pair of J. Brand Skinny Jeans because everyone talks about how amazing they are, but I'll probably settle for a pair of the Gap Jeggings."
"I want to have a flat stomach, but I should first start off with getting back to my regular work out routine."
"I want an awesome dress for my birthday party, but I can make an awesome dress for my birthday party."
"I want some new pairs of tights, because all of mine are drab and I want more color on my gams."

With the phrase "I want..." we can be more honest about our fashion choices, instead of making them out to be this mythical decision.  One thing that my friend Krystin pointed out in a blog post about me the other day (which totes made me cry like a baby... I was also watching Glee while reading it which also made me cry like a baby), was an experience I have had all too often.  Standing in front of your closet, frustrated, upset, close to tears and you scream, "I have nothing to wear!"

When you are given the chance to take a step back and look at your closet for what it really is, you see so many possibilities instead of seeing so many limitations.  Can you believe that there is stuff in my closet that I still want to wear after a year of wearing so much of the same thing?  Even today as I'm typing this, I'm wearing the same blue shirt dress that I have worn so many times this year because I love it.  Even though during the month of not having a place to live, I wore this dress at least six times. 

I wonder if instead of buying clothing simply based out of frustration with the clothing we already have or buying things for the thrill, or the novelty, or to cure boredom, or to celebrate... if we really assessed and took time with our purchases and what we wore... how much less of a headache we would have getting dressed in the morning.  Believe it or not, I still love the clothes in my closet.  I love the pieces that I have worn once a week.  I love the pieces that fit a little funny but I still make them work. 

And the things is, I'm not a super human with crazy will power.  I am the woman who has been so lazy, that everyday this week I have gone home and sat on my couch instead of washing my dishes, putting away my clothes, taking out my trash, cleaning my whole house, exercising , and ate $5 pizza instead of making myself dinner.  When it comes to willpower... mine is not that spectacular.  Where I exceed in not buying clothing, I fail in so many other ways.  And ya know... I'm really really okay with that. 

When I stop and look at everything that has happened... I am so thankful that my most basic needs have been met, some exceedingly.  My heart starts beating so fast, and I get a knot in my throat just thinking of the raw, honest conversations I have had with friends and family not just about what I'm going through.  No, its not just been me having a hard time... but with everyone in my life.  I am so thankful to be able to be a shoulder to cry on, instead of hiding behind a sales receipt.  I have been able to express emotions in a healthy thoughtful manner instead of suppressing them with pretty pretty pants.  I have also been able to walk beside friends and family through muck.

I have been putting off blogging these past few days because, like I've said, I have been sooo unmotivated.  I still am.  I'm hopeful though.

So ladies (and men too)... we don't need new clothing.  We want new clothing.  And its okay to want... you just should want things for the right reasons.  Shopping shouldn't be there to fill a void.  It is such a privilege for us to be able to afford the luxury of having more than two shirts and one pair of shoes.  A purchase should not be regretted, but should be wallowed in goodness and joy... and because you wanted to.

Flannel shirt: Roxy
Pencil skirt: hand me down, Banana Republic
Gold lion belt: thrifted
Shoes: Dillard's clearance

*Speaking of budgets very quickly.  Ironically, it wasn't the fact that I had paid off a large chunk of one of my credit cards before the flood and before I lost my job... a simple $500 emergency fund is what kept me sane.  Knowing that I had that seriously kept me from absolutely losing my marbles.  Seriously, best piece of advice I could ever get or give... save money and do not touch it unless you ya know... NEED to.

Contemplating Life

When you are left with no real purpose in life to figure out what you want your purpose in life to be... it starts getting a little scary.  You start to contemplate things you have never really thought about before.  Like, "I could totally be friends with Kelly Rippa... she's funny!" or "How many days can I go without washing my hair?" or my favorite, "Yes, I think I will paint my coffee table either bright fusia or red or purple, or silvery chrome spray paint...yes that!"  Dude... sewing is just keeping the sanity in the room and keeping me from not wearing my pajamas all day.

But something else happens too, you start thinking that because you are in a shitty place... everyone else that you love and care about should be in that shitty place with you.  But that's not the truth.  Some people have their own shitty places to be, and some people don't have a shitty place to be... they have a great place to be!  And that's okay.  Sam and I had a really, painfully difficult conversation and he lovingly but firmly pointed out that I have been uncomprimising, selfish, along with being sad.  I have been using my friends and family as emotional dumptrucks and the landfill is getting full.  It definitely was not easy to hear, and because of the immense love he has for me he said those things to me.  It was a hurtful realization.  I feel like I am just sitting in the middle of so much mess, but it does not mean that I need to bring that mess with me everywhere I go and to everyone I know.  I also need to learn that when someone asks how I am doing, it does not necessarily give me permission to go through my laundry list of emotions, but that it is okay for me to say that I'm fine, but I'm okay and pushing through.

So, I'm off to enjoy my weekend and just live one week at a time.  That something will come up.  That someone will hire me.  That I will find the right job.  

Finding happiness

It makes me really happy to be able to share the pictures from this shoot.  I am so thankful for all the wonderful words of encouragement I have received from readers and friends.  Thank you so much for reading my post yesterday about losing my job.  It is definitely a hard time but, I am worthy and deserving of greatness (and yes, I did tape that to my bathroom mirror and constantly reminding myself of this)!  I feel like I am turning the corner.

This outfit was from yesterday and I'll be honest, after I wrote my blog post from yesterday, I cried and wallowed in bed for a little bit longer.  Then I got up, talked with some friends, worked out, made a PB & J, organized my new and improved sewing nook, and then got in the shower.  Sam and I had plans to hang out after I ran a few errands.  When I called to let him know that I was heading out of the house (YEAH!!! I emerged from my slumber!) he promptly asked me; chicken or fish.  Was he making me airplane food? (Please tell me you have seen the movie Airplane... you have?  okay good I was worried)  In fact, he made me a delicious dinner of breaded tilapia, cheesey green beans, rice, and cold crisp cucumber slices marinated in a little bit of heavy cream and cream cheese.  YUM!

Last night we watched The Squid and the Whale.  I thought this movie was actually Eagle vs Shark (the movie with Jermaine Clement of Flight of the Conchords in it...).  No, The Squid and the Whale was pretty depressing.  Afterwards Sam and I watched America's Funniest Videos to cheer us up after watching a dysfunctional family battle through a divorce and two teenage boys.  Really it doesn't get any better than watching a video of a cat with a balloon tied to its paw.

This skirt is one of those most coveted items in my closet.  For months when I went into my favorite Nashville boutique, Pangea, this skirt was calling my name.  Finally, I bought it because it is just so beautiful and different from a lot of things in my closet.  It is comfortable and cozy, and I didn't have to shave my legs.

Blue t-shirt: Urban Outfitters
Straw fedora: Streets of NY (still feels so chic to say that!!!)
Patchwork wrap skirt: Pangea
Elephant Necklace: bought it from Mel (and I looove it, that's why I'm making smoochie faces at it)
Flippie Floppie Sandals: Urban Outfitters (not really shown because I need a pedicure)

A time to heal

So... I lost my job.  No outfit post today because I didn't get a chance to snap photos before I started bawling my eyes out.  I have debated about even writing this blog post... because this is something so very deeply personal... but I feel like the more I talk about it then the more it will help me heal.  Although yes this is a personal fashion blog... the emphasis is definitely on the personal part today.  I don't want to discuss the who said whats or why's.  I truly believe that this is a kick in the butt for me to bloom into a career, a job, a place that will be even more awesome than my former job.  Which is really exciting because as far as places to work go, my former place of employment was pretty great.

Hundreds of emotions are running through me right now.  One of the most difficult emotions I am dealing with is that I just feel humiliated.  Humiliation is such a difficult emotion for me.  I have always been somewhat successful at life... well within reason.  And just this type of failure is really hard.  I hate failure and I am getting such a giant dose of it right now.  I feel like the shorts that I screwed up two weeks ago are nothing compared to this.  I understand though that this happens but I am trying desperately to believe what is true and right.  And not what is a lie.

Secondly, I am so scared.  I have no idea what I want to do right now.  I know what I like and what I love, which are fashion, interacting with people, the internet, and writing.  I want to be somewhere that I am challenged and being mentored.  I want to be somewhere that I can be lead and nurtured and then inspired and encouraged to be my best and step out in confidence.  I know that there is going to something amazing out there for me, I just have no idea what that looks like yet.  Its really really scary.

So there, I said it, its out there.  Thankfully I am in a place financially where I can take some time off and figure all of this out.  Which, I am desperately in need of doing.  I am going to take this time and sew, and work out and of course just do some soul searching.  I am not sure what my next step will be but there will be a step and I am pretty sure its going to be great.  Okay, it WILL be great!

Just a little sneak peak

I may have entered a certain contest on a certain Austin, Texas fashion blog.  I may be slightly poking fun at how many fashion bloggers (myself included) think we should be on America's Next Top Model.  And I really did wear this outfit to work with a pink poof on my head.

First off I must say a huge thank you to the fine women of 365 Fashion Rehab, my kindred sisters in all that is denying oneself of in-season striped shirts, black shorts, and pretty dresses.  I was one of the winners of their No Shop Challenge.  I won this AMAZING fascinator from I Heart Accessories.  I am going to be really honest.  I love it too.  The first time I wore it was to Rachel of MouseVox Vintage's birthday party that I swung by on my way home from New York City.  I honestly wish I had a pretty Little White Dress to pair this with.  Oh hell, I'll just make something.

A few other things, I had a great 4th of July weekend and I didn't take a single picture.  I did however, light a lot of fireworks, get chased by one, and the next day go to an amazing theme park in Santa Claus, IN.  A very fun, and very relaxing weekend.  Well, except for the temper tantrum I threw because the black shorts I was going to make were too small.  Yes, I made them too small.  If anyone has a 14 year old that would like some hand made shorts in a juniors size 7/8 then let me know. 

*Special note, Adored Austin did not ask me to promote this contest, I'm posting about it because I don't have an outfit shot for today but had this picture in the archives.

Nashville Life: MAFIAoZA's

 

One thing I wanted to start sharing on my blog is a little bit of my life.  I love going out in Nashville with my friends and throwing little get togethers.  For our friend Bryan's birthday we all met up at MAFIAoZA's in the 12 South neighborhood of Nashville.  MAFIAoZA's is a mafia themed Italian restaraunt that sells their pizza by the slice and the beer ice cold and in canning jars.  Despite the mafia theme, MAFIAoZA's does an amazing job catering to the south.  They have a spectacular patio that we were lucky enough to grab a big enough table. 

The one and only New York outfit post

Let's please overlook the fact that yes, this is the exact same pose, and yes my leg looks all gumby-like for some reason.  Oh, and a special note to my mother, "No I'm not smiling, but I had just walked 8+ blocks in brand new flip flops, I was tired."  Besides, I felt like giving a little attitude to the camera.

Thank you so much for everyone putting in their $0.02 on my paint color.  I still have no idea, but I may be going for something a little more calming... but it also might be pink.  (My colors will be blush and bashful.)  If you don't know that movie reference... I feel really bad for you.

Also, just to notice... what is this whole shirt tucking in binge I have been on lately?  Did the hall monitor get on to me and make me go to the principals office?* 

I am anxious to get my room painted that way I can finally decorate and organize, and then I can start sewing.  I am having a MAJOR sewing itch and it needs to be scratched!  Its either that or I put my Mood bag in the closet, behind my boots, tights, sweaters, and everything else that should not see the light of day in the summer.  (by the way, I don't understand how some girls wear tights in the summer.  I can barely wear jeans right now as you can see I haven't worn jeans since New York, let alone tights.  100 degrees + tights = heat stroke)

*I was only sent to the principal's office twice for what I was wearing.  Once was in jr high when I wore some shorts that were a little on the short side but I had really long monkey arms, and it was the last day of school.  The second time, this witch of an assistant principal we had said my sleeveless shirt (which I wore on a regular basis mind you) was not wide enough on my shoulders.  I told her that I had a sweater I would go put on over it but she said, "You won't keep it on, I don't trust you."  You could only imagine how pissed off I was and how much I wanted to tell her off.  Proof that high school is STUPID.  Anyways, I had to wear this giant striped polo shirt with my khaki trousers and brown chunky platforms.

Lookin' Good!

Do you notice anything different?  Is it the way I parted my hair? No Did I actually wear eyeshadow? Really? No.  Oh, I see it now, the blog design is different!

Alyson Is Neat got a much needed facelift yesterday.  I did a little bit of optimizing for new visitors to get all the information they need from the start and also make my header and whole blog look a little more professional.  Its kind of like wearing big girl panties... I guess I put on my blogger big girl panties yesterday?  Yeah, its still early, I need coffee.

Also, thank you to everyone's sweet comments yesterday.  I was reading them and holding back tears.  Thank you to my readers for giving me freedom to be.  Even though I have it tattooed on my wrist, you would think I would remember it more often.  I am in a much chipper mood today because today is actually (finally) move in day!  As soon as I finish getting ready, I am heading to the new place to unload my first boxes.  I will try and take some pictures of the place without anything in it so that I can do a proper before and after.

Air constriction

It is pouring down rain today.  I am officially in a funk.  I feel like I am being pulled in so many different directions right now, and I don't know where to throw my efforts towards.  I feel like I've been in chaos for so long, that my soul is aching for peace.  But that peace is far from coming.

I am counting down the outfits to when I will have my closet back.  I just want to sleep in my own bed, even if it is just for one night.  Sorry to sound on the verge of a mental breakdown, but hell... honestly... I probably am.  Life is just so full right now, and I feel like I cannot breathe.  I tend to get overwhelmed really easily, and I am.  I am so overwhelmed.  I feel like the weight of all of these things is just pushing in on me.

And on top of all of this, the metal plate in my leg has been aching non-stop for the past 3 days.  This wouldn't be too bad if it was just located in my calf area, but the pain radiates up into my hip.  Every step that I take makes me want to cry.  Oh.... Hooray.

Red and Camel striped dress: courtesy of Leproust Vintage
Black leather belt: Gap (maybe 7 years ago)
Gray pointy toe loafers: Urban Outfitters