Friday, August 20, 2010

Contemplating Life

When you are left with no real purpose in life to figure out what you want your purpose in life to be... it starts getting a little scary.  You start to contemplate things you have never really thought about before.  Like, "I could totally be friends with Kelly Rippa... she's funny!" or "How many days can I go without washing my hair?" or my favorite, "Yes, I think I will paint my coffee table either bright fusia or red or purple, or silvery chrome spray paint...yes that!"  Dude... sewing is just keeping the sanity in the room and keeping me from not wearing my pajamas all day.

But something else happens too, you start thinking that because you are in a shitty place... everyone else that you love and care about should be in that shitty place with you.  But that's not the truth.  Some people have their own shitty places to be, and some people don't have a shitty place to be... they have a great place to be!  And that's okay.  Sam and I had a really, painfully difficult conversation and he lovingly but firmly pointed out that I have been uncomprimising, selfish, along with being sad.  I have been using my friends and family as emotional dumptrucks and the landfill is getting full.  It definitely was not easy to hear, and because of the immense love he has for me he said those things to me.  It was a hurtful realization.  I feel like I am just sitting in the middle of so much mess, but it does not mean that I need to bring that mess with me everywhere I go and to everyone I know.  I also need to learn that when someone asks how I am doing, it does not necessarily give me permission to go through my laundry list of emotions, but that it is okay for me to say that I'm fine, but I'm okay and pushing through.

So, I'm off to enjoy my weekend and just live one week at a time.  That something will come up.  That someone will hire me.  That I will find the right job.  

6 comments:

  1. I hate those kind of ruts. I am totally especially with you on the washing-your-hair comment especially. Good luck, sincerely! xx

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  2. everyone's been there at one time or another, so you certainly aren't alone! sounds like you have a great friend and boyfriend in sam! focusing on other positives, even if they are someone else's, might make you feel better, even temporarily, and that's good! i think it's the balance, even in down times, that's important. hang in there, girl! and let me know if you ever need to get things off your chest - i'm happy to listen!

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  3. Hi Alyson, I've been reading your blog for some time now - it's definitely helping inspire someone like me who is not so fashion-forward! Anyways, I'm sorry you're at a rough place. There's a fine balance in keeping issues to ourselves but also letting people in, to help us, even if all they do is listen. I pray that you'll find that balance, and that you will still be true to who you are, no matter what kind of stuff you're going through.

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  4. Oh gosh...I've been there. It's certainly frustrating when you're in a really difficult place and you just wish that people could share in that misery with you. Otherwise it feels like they're rubbing their good fortune and happiness in your face.

    It's hard to realize when you possibly bringing other people down with you. It's even more difficult to stop doing that.

    I pray that you find the perfect job for you soon and in the meantime, that you're able to find joy and peace in the search.

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  5. This area has never been my strong suit, as my mother can tell you. I'm glad you're doing what you gotta do and rolling with it - and I hope I do the same when it's needed.

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  6. I am so there right now. Glad to see you made it through, just last week I decided I could too :)

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