When you are left with no real purpose in life to figure out what you want your purpose in life to be... it starts getting a little scary. You start to contemplate things you have never really thought about before. Like, "I could totally be friends with Kelly Rippa... she's funny!" or "How many days can I go without washing my hair?" or my favorite, "Yes, I think I will paint my coffee table either bright fusia or red or purple, or silvery chrome spray paint...yes that!" Dude... sewing is just keeping the sanity in the room and keeping me from not wearing my pajamas all day.
But something else happens too, you start thinking that because you are in a shitty place... everyone else that you love and care about should be in that shitty place with you. But that's not the truth. Some people have their own shitty places to be, and some people don't have a shitty place to be... they have a great place to be! And that's okay. Sam and I had a really, painfully difficult conversation and he lovingly but firmly pointed out that I have been uncomprimising, selfish, along with being sad. I have been using my friends and family as emotional dumptrucks and the landfill is getting full. It definitely was not easy to hear, and because of the immense love he has for me he said those things to me. It was a hurtful realization. I feel like I am just sitting in the middle of so much mess, but it does not mean that I need to bring that mess with me everywhere I go and to everyone I know. I also need to learn that when someone asks how I am doing, it does not necessarily give me permission to go through my laundry list of emotions, but that it is okay for me to say that I'm fine, but I'm okay and pushing through.
So, I'm off to enjoy my weekend and just live one week at a time. That something will come up. That someone will hire me. That I will find the right job.