Hi, my pants don't fit

photo courtesy of daniel c. white photography

(seriously, this guy is amazeballs)

 

I have no clue who would be reading this but I have to get something off of my chest (or in this case, my hips).  My pants don't fit.

I'm not talking all of my pants, I'm just talking some of them.  It happened when I was sitting at work and most likely dropped crumbs of either bagels, muffins, cupcakes, pumpkin bread or chocolate into my lap.  I looked down and there was my underwear.  Yep... my pants had split and I didn't even know it.

You see, I'm having a problem.  I'm at a point where I'm pretty happy with the way my body looks.  I've been on a steady regimine of hot yoga for the past six months.  Things are much firmer... and by things I mean thighs and booty.  In fact, part of my problem is that this "yoga butt" is really only happy in stretchy pants.

I go back forth through being devestated that I've once again gone up a size... but maybe I've gone up a size for the right reasons.  Like I said, I'm happy.  In the past few months, I have been a lot gentler to my body.  Through yoga, I have been able to see how much strength my body has and how that strength has made my person stronger as well.

I struggle back and forth if I want to go into why this past year has been difficult and why I took time off from blogging, but I'm over all that shit already.  I'm happy.  I like my life.

And I'm pumped to buy new pants.

PS - Yeah, I'm going to try and post some more.

So... Where have I been?

I am sitting here staring at my screen just wondering where to begin.  In my head, there screams this voice that says, "You have let all of your readers down." But the reality is that I have not let anyone down (I will come back to this). People just tell me they miss reading my blog. So, here it goes. I might do a series of posts of what has been going on in my life, but I want to talk about the biggest one. 

It is not something I begin to share easily but the more I talk about it, the more other people have shared their stories. A little less than two years ago, I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Oh god, my hands are shaking just writing this out.

What does this mean? For each person who suffers from OCD, it is a little different. It is less about the compulsive side of it (for me) and more about the obsessive part of it. The most significant part of my OCD is what is referred to as automatic negative thoughts (ANTs for short). When I am introduced to a stressful situation or something causes an emotional response, these ANTs jump to the worst possible conclusion. I then, obsess on these thoughts, much like a record skips. This is the most harmful part of my OCD because it causes my anxiety to skyrocket. As someone who already suffers from anxiety, the ANTs do not help.

For the past six months, I have been working with my primary care physician to learn about what medication I can take. Also for the past two years, I have been working with a counselor to suggest what habits I can change in order to help me cope with this. I'm heading towards a good place now.  It has been rather dark and dim lately though, but I am getting better. I recently switched up my medications and have seen a dynamic decrease in my "obsessive" area. I don't have to sit and watch five episodes of television show in one sitting and I don't talk incessantly about the most random stuff that only I find interesting... Just so strange how things manifest themselves.

So, remember how I said that there is a voice in my head that says "You have let all of your readers down"? That's an ANT. The compulsion part of my OCD is definitely in the way that I react to these ANTs, mostly in anger. And to be honest, I am still trying to figure that part out. I think once I am able to pinpoint my compulsions I will be able to understand what environmental factors are triggers.

Can I just say, it was such a relief to be told that I had OCD? Really! I have always felt strange, weird and just different from other people. I would watch other people react to things and think about how I would react... and it just wasn't normal. Being able to label something gives it less power over you.

Part of managing the ANTs is to remind yourself of truth.  My counselor said, "Thoughts are just thoughts, they are not facts." Anytime one of those ANTs pipes up and says something negative, I get to think about what is true, "I am loved. I am strong. I am awesome."


If you have any questions about OCD, or if you have OCD, or suffer from any kind of depression or anxiety and need someone to talk to, feel free to e-mail me or leave me a comment down below. It can be pretty lonely out there, and everyone needs someone. If you think you are suffering from a mentall illness but have not been diagnosed, I highly encourage you to talk to your doctor.  They will help you come up with a plan and also be able to conduct the right kinds of tests to properly diagnose you.

Back from sabbatical

Shhh... let's just not discuss that I went absent for a wee bit too long.  Here is the gist of my sabbatical: 

Still working two jobs, but concentrating on visuals for the store.  I spend most of my time at my second job hugging mannequins.  They don't hug back.  Sometimes you get hurt (physically, so many bruises).

I'm running a 5K.  I'm not going to lie, I feel so cool saying, "Oh, I'm training for a 5K."  I've never EVER been a runner.  I can remember me pitching a fit anytime we had to do distance running in gymnastics or in PE.  Now, I like it.  My race is in October and I'm pumped.

And I got promoted at my "real" job.  So I've been able to really concentrate on paying off my debt.

I'm still dressing oh... so... cute...  maybe you'll get to see it soon.  Maybe...

But I do plan on kicking up my blog again.  I've missed it a lot! 

Workin' it!

I realized I hadn't updated since I talked about hopefully getting a second job.  Good news, I got it!  Hooray.  I actually started training this Saturday.  Helloo supplemental income!  Can I just say that getting out of debt is HARD.  Every little surprise that comes up (such as my shower head crapping out on me last weekend), makes me loathe spending money on that surprise rather than paying off my credit cards.  However, my new showerhead is incredible.  I also just want to shop.  It is hard because I feel like I'm only half committed to not buying clothes.  I should probably go re-read my blog post about want vs. need.

How am I coping with this whole ordeal... yet again?  Television, sewing, crafting, pinteresting (oooh, I like that... if it is worthy of being pinned, it is pinteresting), and working out.  Pinterest is so great for finding fitness inspiration.  I just keep thinking if I can't buy good looking new clothes, I'll just try and look good in the clothes that I already have.  I easily get bored with working out.  Also, my body adapts to work outs within a week and a half, so if I don't change it up, its not nearly as effective. 

I love this upper body workout from Shape.  The whole program is 2 reps of 8 different arm/abs workouts.  There is a version of a one armed pushup that wrecks me but my arms are already looking toned and bonus, my shoulders and back look fantastic.  Did you know that triceps respond quickly to muscle training?  I try to remember to do a few chair dips in my office.

I love the girls from Tone it Up.  I really love the community they have created, and all of their workout videos are really motivating.  My favorite lately has been the Beach Bum video.  This 6 minute workout has been part of my morning combination before I hit the shower.  I usually will keep my yoga mat by my bed, so I can just roll out of bed and get my booty workout for the day.

Like I said above, I can get really bored with workouts really fast.  Randomabs.com has been the perfect solution.  Each day they post a random ab routine.  They can vary in intensity and focus, however, it is always something different every single day.  They walk you through your form, and show videos on how to do some of the moves.

What keeps you motivated?  How do you stay motivated to working out or just accomplishing your goals?

Images via: Shape.com, toneitup.com, randomabs.com

Budget Post: I'm getting a second job.

In an effort to remind myself that you guys actually like the fact that I'm not a cookie cutter, got my shit together blogger, I need to come clean.  Its time that I admit to myself and to everyone else besides my facebook friends.  I'm getting a second job.

Honestly, its the hardest thing to admit that you need a second job.  It is like failing at life 101.  Ya know that class we took that told us if we went to college and got a degree and worked hard we wouldn't have to go through and do the same things that our parents did?  Instead, despite their warning you got a stupid ass credit card and here you are seven years later and you are still trying to pay that sucker off.  Dear 19-year-old self, Wear sunscreen. Don't get a credit card.

It isn't the job itself that makes me feel like a failure.  In fact, I'm pretty sure if I get the job, I'll love it.  I realized that all I do is go to work and hang out with Sam.  In order to achieve the things I want in my life, I have to do something bigger about it.  No one is going to hand me the keys to a house.  I'm not going to win a car, despite my luck with winning things.  My bills aren't going to just go away one month.  As Jillian Michael's says, "If you want results, you're going to have to work for it."  I'm strong enough to admit that if I want things, I need to be prepared to earn them.  Am I going to be exhausted? Yes.  Am I going to have less free time? Yes. But, will I be closer to being debt free by the end of 2012? YES, I will.  And that is better than anything I can do with my free time right now.  Oh and this goes without saying but I'm pretty much not buying clothing again.  Simply because I know that is one thing I can eliminate.  Perhaps, I should eliminate going out to eat.

Words of encouragement and pats on the back would be fantastically appreciated.